I’ve dealt with paranoid people before and I find them highly amusing.
This happened years ago back when I worked as an “agent” for a big box retailer’s tech department. I would have never believed such a thing would happen if it hadn’t happened to me.
A woman came in with a plastic grocery bag and thunks it down on the counter. She looks terrified.
Customer: You have to help me!
Me: I’d be more than happy to assist you, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?
Customer: I’m being hacked! You have to get them to stop using my computer!
My brain: WTF? Is she drunk?
My mouth: Do you have the computer with you so I can see what’s gong on?
She turns the bag upside down. Parts of a dismantled laptop spill everywhere. LCD panel, hinges, keyboard, palm rest, screws galore, battery, etc. I stare.
My brain: I repeat, is she drunk?!
My mouth: Ma’am? Why did you dismantle your computer?
Customer: See, when computers are powered down, they aren’t really powered down. Those people in India (customer gives a paranoid look around) are hacking into them while you have them off (air quotes with the ‘off’) and are using them to teach their kids to speak English! That’s why all the jobs are getting outsourced! They’re using your computers to teach their kids!
She goes on, getting more and more hysterical and speaking faster and faster and higher and higher pitched. The entire time I’m quietly putting all the laptop pieces back into her bag. Finally, she breaks off and gasps for air.
Me: I really don’t think I can help you, ma’am.
Customer: Well, put back together my computer! I have a warranty with you people! The FBI can help me with the hackers! They said they would!
Me: Our warranty does not cover you taking apart your computer.
Customer: OH MY GOD! You’re one of the people helping the hackers, aren’t you?
I stare at her, speechless.
Customer: AREN’T YOU?!
She snatches her bag from me and flees the store, screaming that she’s going to call the FBI.
Ah, I so do not miss that job. Conspiracy lady, cancer-pr0n guy, the list goes on. Nope, don’t miss it one bit.