Contest: What IT terms/phrases have you coined?

Ever have a day where you’re just in a off mood? Last week I had a user call about a stuck CD tray.  I politely told them I would be up shortly and use the “magic hole” to get the disc out. They never even questioned it.

So that leads me to ask…what strange, unusual, absurd, off the wall terms have you used on a client or user? Put your entry in the comments! We’ll pick the top three and then put them to you guys to vote on! Winner will receive the most epic prize ever: BACON JERKY!

Submissions will be taken today through Wednesday night and the top three will be available Thursday and Friday for voting. Put your submissions in the comments and make sure you don’t post it as anonymous so we can get a hold the winner next week.

29 Responses to Contest: What IT terms/phrases have you coined?

  1. I once told a bank president that was complaining of slow printing to a network printer that “I just replaced the router and enabled ‘Server Learning Mode’ so the network will learn where you like to go and make it faster for those destinations”

  2. A number of co-workers were asking why the network was running so slow, and I told them there was a network leak in the basement, and so there wasn’t enough network pressure to reach our floor.

  3.  While doing tech support for DirecTv, I was speaking with a fellow that was demanding an in-depth explanation of how the satellite receiver actually works. He was refusing to go off of the common explanation, so I told him all about the “flux capacitor” that beams the signal from 23,000 miles away (a reference to Back to the Future)…he totally bought it! I didn’t even have to pull out the term “discumbobulator” after that…

  4. When ever a user brings me a virus-ridden laptop I like to use the term “More infected than a vietnamese prostitute” when they ask “how bad is it?”

  5. I provide tech support and tutorials to student teachers, and frequently describe how one of our internal web portals works as ‘internet magic’ because the concept of web servers in the data centre across campus is mind-bogglingly complex to them. 

  6. I’ve been writing “RTFM wetware error” on job manifests for over 15 years, also “Dust In Connectors/ Keys” (DICK) in extreme cases.

    In a similar vein, we used to send the new guy down to Dino, the sysadmin, to ask him to install “Amadda UA” on computers, just to hear him shout at the poor guy in his Italian accent “What’s amadda UA?”

  7. I used to do software support and any time I had an idiot come in with a problem I’d look at it, nod and then go. “Looks like you blew the hell out of the framastat, I’ll need to do a complete reset.” When they asked how that happened I’d ask them; Did you [thing I told you not to do last week]? The answer was always yes. Then I’d nod again. The reason their computer was all FUBAR rarely had anything to do with what I told them not to do, but this scenario was usually enough to frighten them into unquestioning compliance in the future.

  8. We were once summonded to fix a slow computer.  The guy who phoned told us, once we’d arrived, that it might be a ploblematic “gigabit jumper”.

  9. Once while suffering the agonies of a very dim-witted co-worker, we told her that the reason her CD-tray was popping out, or her applications were randomly closing was due to the “Etherwinds” – which were like ethernet-based tides caused by solar activity. She would need to align her computer by turning it 45 degrees/upside down/etc to align it properly each day.

    It was actually the rest of the IT department remote-controlling her system, but she never caught on to the “Etherwinds”

    • I actually had sever Sceptre monitors once that would only display the proper image geometry when facing West. True story. I also used this fact to get management to approve new LCDs because they didnt have this “Magnetic orientation” issue.

  10. I was selling a laptop to a “know it all” customer. Told him it had a quad-teragigglebyte display. His reply? “Oh yeah! I’ve heard how awesome those are!”

  11. A user was asking me why his mouse wasn’t working (it was one of the old ones with the balls in it but it fell out somewhere) without thinking and being really tired I simply replied, someone forgot to feed it and it died but this new one feeds itself so no worries

  12. When I’m on the phone with a client, and they have done something incredibly stupid, I will let them know it sounds like an ‘ID10T’ error and that it should be relatively easy to fix. I haven’t gotten caught yet.

  13. I was out servicing an auto shop. There were complaints about a work station constantly shutting down. I had already had a slow day (and I kind of owed them for the work on my truck anyway) so, I went down there to check everything out. Turns out someone likes plants, one in particular seemed to have a soft spot for a vine plant that either hasn’t been trimmed in a while or grows aggressively (not sure which, my botany skills leave much to be desired).

    It turns out the plant had grown around a substantial part of the tower and was clogging the vents. I mention this and apparently no one understood that components get hot after a while. So I told them the only way for me to “fix this” was to take apart the case to “unchoke the blowholes” and that I needed 5 oz of server fluid, a 1 gallon bucket of horsepower and a tube of cable sealant. Apparently, this was enough to keep them occupied as I cleaned the debris out from inside the machine, trimmed the plant, and check my e-mail. When asked what I did, I told them I found a work around.

    Sad thing: They actually had cable sealant on hand and they told me they would let me know when the server fluid and horsepower come in.

  14. When we get laptops that come in with infections or trojan, we tell the customers (the ones we can be more casual with language wise) that your system was Wi-F**ked.

    Usually get a chuckle.

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