This was during the early 2000s, when things like spyware and malware was really still in the ‘OMG’ phase. I get a call from a really desperate sounding man.

Me: Thank you for calling (broadband company) My name is Daniel, may I have the phone number on the account, area code first please?

DC (desperate customer): Oh thank God! Ya gotta help me!!
Me: Yes sir, just give me your phone number, and I’ll open your account
DC: She’s due home in an hour!!!! I’m in so much trouble!!!

After much wrangling and finally getting his phone number, I ascertain the problem: This gentleman had received high speed internet two days before his wife left for a business trip for two weeks.

Evidently, he’d done absolutely nothing the entire time she was gone except surf porn. Lots and lots of porn. Lots and lots of porn = Lots and lots of spyware, malware, adware, viruses, etc…to the point where his browser had been hijacked, his computer would barely run, and he was getting pop ups when his Internet explorer wasn’t even running. Usually in these cases, I am required to use my best judgement. i.e. – foist him off on someone else as *their* problem. But I was wanting to test out my mad skills, so I set to work.

Anti-virus program? he didn’t have one, install one! Anti-spyware? didn’t have one. Let’s install one! Let’s install two! he found 29 viruses, and 351 pieces of spyware.

Feverishly, we worked together, restarting the computer over and over, slowly chipping away at this veritable porn paradise. Finally, with fifteen minutes to spare as to when his wife was due home, we’d scrubbed his registry clean and got his computer all squeaky shiny again.

Feeling proud of myself, after he thanked me profusely, I hung up the call and thought nothing more of it. However, friend a of mine at work stuck his head over the cubicle a couple months later and said, “Uh, hey, did you work with some idiot who kept looking at porn on his computer?”

“Uh, yeah, why?”

“Dude’s on the phone. Guess he jacked everything up again, and his wife wants a divorce.”

*facepalm*

[Picture Source: jamaisdeux (CC)]

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